Living in the Middle of....No Man's Land

Parenting is hard and beautiful and full of refining moments. With 11 years of parenting my typical kiddos under my belt, I realized that parenting held many challenging moments but it in no way prepared me for the No Man’s Land space of special needs parenting.

When my 3 boys were born I loved charting and comparing their growth and development. There were numerous books and websites I could turn to when I wondered when to introduce solids, when to expect the beginning of language, the best time to introduce potty training, etc.

With my daugher who has multiple disabilities, all of those timelines are replaced with question marks. Even with a diagnosis and more specialists than I have fingers to count, no one can tell me what to expect next. As I have developed friendships with moms of kiddos with a wide range of special needs, from physical disabilities to neuro and genetic abnormalities, the common theme is the unknown. The most consistent thing our doctors can tell us is that they don’t know what comes next for our children

We want to know what to expect and they just don’t have answers. Will my child ever say Momma? Will he ever achieve potty training? Will she ever be able to sit up on her own? Will he always need oxygen? Will she ever feed herself? Will he ever have a girlfriend? Will she be able to live independently? Will I outlive him?

And we enter No Man’s Land.  

In wartime the barren tract of land between enemy trenches was referred to as No Man’s Land. The dictionary describes No Man’s Land as 1) an unowned or unclaimed tract of usually barren land and 2) an indefinite or ambiguous area where guidelines and authority are not clear.

This is where we reside. Full of uncertainty and no real answers. This is where fear, loneliness and despair like to claim territory. It can feel isolating, draining and leave us feeling out of control.

We unfortunately can’t escape our time in No Man’s Land. We can’t create answers that don’t exist. We do, however, get to choose how we live out our time in this place of seeming barrenness. We don’t have to accept fear, loneliness and despair as our companions. The good news and reality is that while doctors can’t give us answers, the loving God that created our children uniquely is not surprised or confused by our questions.

He knows what will come next for our children and He is present with us in our No Man’s Land. We are not alone in this place of uncertainty. While we may not receive a clear timeline, He daily offers us the gift of Hope.

We can all certainly share stories of ways our children have amazed and surprised us with their tenacity and joy despite the challenges they face. Ask any parent of a child with special needs and their face will light up as they share story after story of times their child made strides that specialists never thought would happen.

As parents of these tiny warriors we know all about Hope. It is what we white knuckle grip when we walk into IEP meetings, wait for the latest EEG reading and face another hospitalization. The God who loves our child even more than we do is the author of this Hope.

He claims our No Man’s Land as the perfect soil for growing a great harvest of Hope. When we choose to plant our broken dreams and seeds of uncertainty and even pain in the soil; He fertilizes it with our tears and sacrifice.  Our brokenness in our search for unfound answers leads us to a choice. We can set up our tent in No Man’s Land and invite loneliness and despair in, or we can plant ourselves under the beautiful branches of the Hope God has grown in this place and choose to Trust.

We have this unique opportunity to surrender our questions and trust Him with all of it: the broken dreams, unmet expectations, fears and unknown future. He knows this hard-fought-for trust is a sacrificial gift. He doesn’t take it lightly. Just as He loves our precious children, He loves and treasures us. Our pain is not wasted. It allows us to enter into His sufferings in ways many others have not experienced. It gives us the platform to comfort and encourage others (2 Cor. 1:4) in a unique way once we have experienced His comfort. And it allows us to know Him as faithful. What a gift to be able to trust in a faithful God (Psalm 33:4) when we face such daily uncertainty as we care for our sweet children. We establish this heritage of Trust and Hope for our children for their own journeys.

I’m choosing my perspective. No Man’s Land is no longer a place of barrenness in my life. I am enjoying a Harvest of Hope and daily gathering what I need to weather whatever challenges I face. I know that I can trust the faithful God that walks with me through this place and knows exactly what I need for whatever we may face next.

Good, hard work

It's been for ever...

I know.

But we have been living life and that is all that I have time for most days.

We survived double hip surgery. There were actually two procedures with very formal names that I once had memorized....but now I just am thankful we are past that and over that mountain. It did feel like a formidable mountain. The first week was really tough. Figuring out the right medicine cocktail to control the pain. Then 5 weeks in a spica cast from her belly button to her toes was actually shorter than expected. She did so well, but it was hard. Uncomfortable for her and so boring for her.

She regressed. We knew to expect it, but it was disheartening when she stopped using any words and was so quiet and sad. But she is doing SO great now! She is happy and feisty and bearing weight on her legs daily! We are back in private physical therapy twice a week - once in the water, private speech therapy twice a week and  occupational therapy once a week. We are back in full swing.

She has grown so much; both physically and emotionally.  We still really, really struggle with communication though. When we brought Suubi home I knew that I would be her momma, her advocate and her biggest cheerleader, but I didn't truly understood that also meant I would be her voice.  Which means I need to be able to understand what she is saying, what she wants and needs.
That is hard. Really hard.

What an awesome and humbling responsibility to be someone's voice. And also in a way to be their window to the world. Suubi hears very well and often amazes us with her receptive language, however I still most of the time need to explain to her what is going on and help her understand if possible. She does have a few words and can be prompted to use them, however it is hit or miss if she will use them before prompting.  I think she may have apraxia, but I don't even know how to go about getting her diagnosed and even if I did, I'm not sure what that would change right now.

Some children with cerebral palsy that are non-verbal are able to communicate using their eyes to control adaptive communication devices. Suubi is blind though so she cannot use one. I'm convinced someone somewhere has suggestions and a way to help her communicate. I just have to find that person!

In the meantime, it is up to me. It is up to me to observe and stay focused and read her body language to determine what she is thinking and feeling. She tries so hard and is so patient but usually at least once a day she gets upset because I just don't get it. I won't understand what she is trying to communicate. My sweet girl has opinions and knows what she wants and feels compassion toward others and gets scared and tired and hungry and bored....and she wants to be able to share that with us...but can't.

So I have had to learn to slow down. To be intentional with my focus and be attentive. In this day and age of smart phones and instant information at our fingertips it is easy to lose my focus.  I can't google "what is Suubi thinking" though.  It is up to me understand her well enough to be her voice.

It can be especially hard because Suubi can go from here:

to here....in a matter of seconds!

Suubi's needs did not get met the way she needed when she was an infant. So when she has a need that is not being fulfilled now it often immediately sends her into panic/meltdown mode!  We try to meet her needs quickly so this doesn't happen, but if I am not tuned in to her then I miss the cues and we reach meltdown!

I have to take the time to sit with her and communicate. To listen with my ears, my eyes, my heart. But that is SO hard when there are so many other needs around me. We are so thankful and so blessed and Suubi girl has come so far....but...

I would be pretending if I wasn't truthful about how some days are just really, really hard. Exhausting. Some days I truthfully think I was a better parent before the adoption. I feel like I was able to spread myself around better, relax more, keep my house cleaner, plan Family Nights, stay up later reading to the boys, more patient, healthier because I took the time to exercise...

I'm hard on myself.

Parenting a child with multiple disabilities has changed me. I have had to lower some of my self-imposed expectations. I have had to step away from perfectionism. My house just doesn't get cleaned very often. My bathroom stays dirty much longer than it used to. Family night is a win now if we get pizza (gluten free included) and a movie together.  "Me" time has changed dramatically. Face to face time with my husband does not come as often. Dying to myself and my own selfishness has to happen many, many times a day. It isn't pretty. I mess up WAY more than I used to...by being impatient....giving a sharp answer....struggling not to choose the easy way....missing the intentional moments I used to relish....being disappointed in myself....checking out by looking at my phone instead of my children's faces.

BUT....there is always a big butt:)

I must remind myself that coming face to face with my own sin and selfishness is quite a gift. I realize that I am broken and only Jesus can fix this mess. Only He can give me the strength to pour out when I feel like I have nothing left to give. He ALWAYS sends someone with a hand to help or encouragement at just the right moment. But I realize He also intentionally allows me to come to the end of my strength so I will finally let HIM be my strength.

I feel like so often people see the pretty side of our journey but I need to be honest about the hard. I'm such a work in progress and I desperately want to be the best mom for my kids, all of them. But I also want to be a good wife and most of all a good Christ follower. Most days I feel like I do only one well at a time.

I'm believing that He covers my mistakes with His grace and I pray that my children remember the good not the bad.  And there are moments every day that absolutely make all my tired worth it. When sweet girl leans in for some love or remembers to say eat instead of screaming. When the boys insist on kissing their sister before leaving for school, when her face absolutely lights up when she hears her Daddy is home, when the boys automatically know what to sing to calm her down in the middle of a meltdown, when the boys' friends come over instinctively to greet Suubi and play with her, when I see my boys comfortable around other children in wheel chairs that are also nonverbal, when people in our many doctors' offices greet us with a smile and give lots of grace for our crazy, when I meet people around town that somehow know me as Suubi's mom. 

This: 

And this: 

And this: 

And of course this:) 

I get to be a tiny part of this beautiful thing Jesus is doing through my sweet girl's life. He uses it all, the good, the bad, the hard, the ugly....to grow us. Change us. Mold us. Create in us something beautiful.

If it isn't hard, it isn't worth it, right? And it really isn't so much about just Suubi, but what He is doing in ALL of us that long-term has significance. It is so much bigger than the frustration of the moment....not knowing why she is screaming, not having time to accomplish it all, not ever feeling like I have it all together. 

I'm holding onto this:

"being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6 

He = Jesus This is a good work. A hard work but a good work that HE is doing in us. My prayer every day is that it will bring Him big glory, despite my failings. Can you relate?

Sometimes I just have to write it all down to remind myself of some of these truths. Thanks for reading along with me.

Unexpected gifts

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. McCall was very sick for almost two weeks with some kind of crazy strep/stomach bug. So while I was trying to prepare for Suubi's surgery I was also trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with McCall. On one hand it kept me from obsessing and worrying about the surgery but it also wore all of us flat out!

Jesus is so good though the way He brings friends alongside us to keep us walking. They helped me prepare, encouraged and checked in on us. Set up a meal train for the time when we get home and planned to stock our pantry.  Everyone has been so kind and supportive.

So now McCall should return to school Monday and get started on homebound hours after school also to help him catch up on the 10 days he missed. During the past two weeks I also set up the paper trail to get Suubi on homebound status when she comes home. She may be home anywhere from 6-12 weeks. I also fought with discussed in depth some options for her in-home care with the local agency that matches us with an aid. We hopefully will continue to use the same aid we have been using for the majority of the hours. Thankfully we are on the medically complex child waiver through the state that allows us to have a trained aid come in for a certain number of hours per week to help with Suubi's care. After surgery those hours should be increased to allow someone to come while I work in the mornings and possibly for someone to come in the evenings when Mark and/or I may need to take the boys to practices,etc. We are so thankful for this help! It allows us to still function fairly close to normal, which we feel is important for the boys, especially.

I also found out that we should be eligible to be part of a program through the health department that would help us obtain high calorie pediasure that Suubi currently drinks and may need to be more dependent on for a time post surgery. So each of these tasks actually requires multiple phone calls, face-to-face meetings, emails and prayers:) Throw in an extra IEP meeting and a couple of events at school and the preschool where I work....well we have been on the crazy train!

So I can hardly believe we are actually here! We will get Suubi up tomorrow at 5 am, give her some meds and wash her in a special antibacterial solution. We have to be downstairs ready for check-in at 6 am. We are staying in one of the family rooms at the Shriners hospital. They are so welcoming and we are so thankful to be here.  The surgery should start at 8 am and last around 4 hours.

At pre-op last Friday the doctors and nurses just kept reiterating, "this is a big surgery" and "don't expect her to return to baseline for 6-9 months". I kinda knew this, but hearing it from the surgeon made it real and a bit sobering. They are doing a bilateral VDRO and left dega. (I hope I got that right.) Basically they are taking a piece of bone like a wedge out of both of her legs near the ball of the top part of the leg. The will then put plates and screws in and position the ball part back into the hip socket at the correct angle. On the left side they will take the wedge of bone that they removed and place it into a cut they will make in the lip of the socket. They will bend the socket to make it form correctly the pocket. Very poor description but that is how I understand it:)

Pretty amazing actually! They will do the left side first and if she loses too much blood then they will close her back up and we will need to come back 6-8 weeks later to do the right side. They want to avoid a blood transfusion. So if you would pray with me that they can safely do both sides tomorrow?  She will be under general anesthesia as well as have an epidural.  Of course there are all kinds of fun risks with that too but we want her to be as comfortable as possibly, particularly since she is nonverbal and won't understand what is happening.

During surgery, Dr. Gibson will decide if he wants to put Suubi in a spica cast or if he wants to do knee immobilizers and a wedge between her legs. So, we will see! We will be at Shriners until Thursday, at least that is the plan! We know we are in very good hands here and are truly thankful to be surrounded by so many doctors and nurses that are so capable.

Am I scared? Heck, yeah! But we do things scared:) It kinda feels like when you are driving during the summer and all of a sudden you see ahead of you one of those huge dark rainstorms. And you know you have to drive through it. You know somewhere ahead on the other side the sun is out and it is only temporary..but golly...when you are driving through it you white knuckle the steering wheel and pray out loud and go really slowly, keeping your eyes on the road ahead of you!

He is with us and He has made that abundantly clear. He walked with Suubi way before I came on the scene:) This is important for Suubi's quality of life. Yes it may help her bear weight and eventually be able to walk. We hope and pray that happens, but if not, it will also help her avoid or at least prolong arthritis in her hips and her hips becoming dislocated, both very painful things to deal with.

There are lots of things I wish could be different for my girl. One of my favorite things in the world is to read. I read to Suubi, but last week we had a book fair at the preschool and every day it sunk in more that no matter how excited I was about some of those beautiful books with beautiful pictures...Suubi couldn't enjoy them the way I did. It did make me sad for a few days. But there are other things that Suubi finds amazing and beautiful that I can learn to appreciate and enjoy with her....the thrill of being upside down, hearing the people she loves sing to her, listening to her brothers laugh, the excitement of when a crowd cheers, the birds in our neighborhood, hearing a ball bounce on our hardwood floors. I get the gift of seeing and experiencing the world through a whole new lens as Suubi's momma. That is an amazing gift!

God could have chosen anyone to be her adoptive momma, but He let me be the one. I get to try to comfort her when she doesn't understand what is going on tomorrow. I get to sing to her and attempt to make her comfortable. I get the privilege of advocating for her and explaining to the nurses when I think she is cold or in pain or hungry. I get to be the one she leans her head toward and makes a kissing sound to when she feels content. I get to watch her daddy get wrapped more tightly around her little finger with each smile. This crazy ride isn't what I expected....but it is beyond my wildest dreams:) Jesus is indeed taking me into deeper waters and calling me out to the unknown. The waves are scary, but I'm also very aware of how blessed I am to even be in these waters and I want to faithfully keep my eyes on the One who will keep me afloat! So here we go friends! Pray with us please!

I don't know what I'm doing...

For about two weeks I’ve felt compelled to blog about this thought…

I don’t know what I’m doing….

Odd yes, yet this is the reoccurring thought that runs through my mind so consistently throughout the day.

Should I take my son in to the doctor for that strange rash? Will I have enough in the bank account on Friday to make that next payment? How many times have I done Suubi’s oral Beckman exercises today? Am I being too strict with my 13 year old when it comes to social media or not strict enough?  Why does my 10 year old melt down when “this” happens?  Did I really make eye contact for a meaningful conversation with my spouse today? What kind of clothes will Suubi be able to wear with her spica cast? How much extra money will food cost next month? When can I possibly exercise this month? Am I a horrible mom because I don’t stay for soccer practice? Should I feel guilty that I have not volunteered for ANYTHING in my kids’ classrooms this year? Did I write them a thank you note….probably not? When was the last time I washed the boys’ sheets???

Perhaps you don’t have neurotic, insecure thoughts like these. But I do. A lot. I’m way out of my playing field, weight category, ability level. I love my life and my family, however, let me make it clear that I truly,

Do.not.know.what.I’m.doing.

I hope I don’t look like I’m trying to appear like I’m altogether. I’m not trying to look like a hot mess either, but inside most of the time I feel like it:) That is why it is so essential….really, like it is life or death...that I get time with Jesus each day. Because honestly He is the only way things stay together around here. I love my children fiercely but I don’t have what it takes in and of myself to raise them and love them the way they deserve. I’m the most blessed woman in the world to be married to my man… but without Jesus there is no way I can love and serve Mark the way he needs and deserves. Which is why it is 11:24pm and I have no business being up b/c my day starts way too early to be up this late!

I don’t know why but I just couldn’t rest until I put this out there. I don’t want to be a poser. We are surviving and thriving #1 because of Jesus. I gotta have Him. I’m a hot mess without Him. When I tread out on that water on my own, I just don’t do well.  For whatever reason He keeps me in this place where I am painfully aware that I don’t have the wisdom, grace, patience or ability without Him to live this life.

#2, He has surrounded us with amazing support and love through our family, friends, church and community. We are beyond blessed and they truly keep us moving and surviving with the way they (y’all) love on us and help us. I couldn’t do it without my face to face friends and online friends that encourage us and pray for us.  It takes a village people, for real!

People have asked me recently if I’m overwhelmed thinking of Suubi’s surgery and planning for the next few months. I am, but honestly not much more overwhelmed than normal. I guess because so much of my life is way beyond my control. I am slowly learning to live with an open hand and eyes focused up because I know that I can’t do this on my own. I am going to mess up and come up short but I’m realizing more and more that is what grace is all about. I’ve tried for so long to not need grace. That honestly now sounds hilarious!

Every time we get to a new feeling of balance I realize that He is about to walk us into the next wave of deeper waters where we will simply need Him more!! And that is okay!! So next time you see me and I truly look like a hot mess, don’t feel sorry for me:) It’s okay, I am!

Starting again....

So here we go again. During our adoption process I was fairly faithful to blog, partly because I wanted to document all the Lord did during that long season:) and also because so many friends and family were following along and in the trenches with us. While in Uganda I moved to using a private facebook page in order to keep things, well, more private. The process in country can be a bit sticky at times and it is wise to not have your info pasted all over the internet.

During our three year journey to Suubi I spent hours and hours and hours reading blogs of families that adopted. I was so thankful they let us in to their lives to learn and rejoice with them and at times grieve with them.  I learned SO much that was invaluable in preparing me for the hard and the uncertainty.  I learned things like what to expect at the guest house in Uganda, but then also important information about culture and how children that have been in institutional care process change.

When we learned that Suubi was blind and quite obviously had developmental delays, to what extent we were uncertain....this momma once again searched for every blog I could find that might give me some insight into what our future might look like. I just wanted to feel as informed as possible and to see some of what other families experienced. While nothing can truly prepare you for your own journey, these blogs really did help me and actually connecting with some of these families online and even later in person has been a tremendous blessing!

Once we arrived home we faced a whole new world. We didn't truly expect a diagnosis of cerebral palsy for our sweet girl but after loving on her for a few weeks it was not surprising. I had not prepared for that or researched it! All of a sudden I wanted to find a blog written by a family with an internationally adopted with with cp and vision impairment. I still haven't found that:)

We have to walk out our own journey and in His own amazing way the loving Creator of me and our girl, has placed people in our path at each juncture to help us navigate wisely. However, I can't shake the feeling that sharing some of these adventures and challenges might someday help another momma find her way a bit more easily.

So here we go....

I can't promise I will be faithful to blog often, although I'll try! I'm going to share the good, the bad and the ugly. I realize that I needed a clear picture of what was ahead. I do promise though that I will always shout...

HOPE

because that is the Truth. There is always hope...that is what I hang onto...what keeps me going....what allows me to face each day.  He fills us with hope for our kids, for our future, for their future and the ability to trust His plan for our family.

The mountain that is currently ahead of us is surgery. We knew Suubi would need hip surgery but we were on a waiting list and we thought we might get a date in the late spring. We recently found out that Suubi will be having reconstructive surgery on both hips at Greenville Shriners Hospital on October 6th. We have never faced surgery with our kids before. This is a new kind of cliff jump for me.

We will have to go for preop for two days the week before then have the weekend at home and then Mark and I will take her to Greenville for at least Mon-Thur. She will most likely have a spica cast, which will most likely look like some variation of this, for anywhere from 4-12 weeks.

We are definitely hoping and praying that it will be more like 6-8 weeks. Life will be hard interesting between now and the New Year:) Thankfully Suubi is on the medically complex child waiver and Medicaid enables us to have an aid for her. They will increase the hours we have the aid during this time and we are in the midst of lining up trustworthy caregivers to help with her care while I am at work in the mornings and then to help some in the afternoons when I need to run the boys here and there.

Our wonderful family in Florence will take good care of the boys while we are with Suubi in Greenville and then we will need to rely more on them and on our amazing friends that make up Team Suubi while she recovers.  There are lots of details to work out like renting a different wheelchair during this time and possibly figuring out adaptations to her bed.  We need to figure out homebound for her while she is out of school and adjusting therapies, as long as seeking out what kind of in-home services she can receive while she is recovering.

We are talking to a nutritionist at the Health Department to see about getting help with high calorie pediasure during this time since her appetite may decrease and after working so hard to gain some weight we don't want her to drop a lot of weight.  There are just lots of things I have never thought of, but I am learning a lot! 

So a new adventure, a new mountain to climb. However, we have had so much joy over the last three weeks watching Suubi discover that she can roll and actually make herself go places. She doesn't like sitting still for long anymore because she realizes she can move! Without this surgery she most likely would not be able to bear her own weight as she grows. So for her to ever be able to walk she has to have this surgery and the sooner the better. We are so thankful that we have such a strong team of therapists that adore our girl and are willing to walk with us every step of the way.

Thanks for your prayers and if any momma new to this world stumbles upon this blog and wants to reach out and ask a question, please contact me! erikachapman74@gmail.com

Or is any momma that has already been through this has some sage advice, then please holler!!!

Sowing Roots

Dear friends and family,

We are so thankful that we are at the next major step in our adoption process.  We are matched with Suubi, a precious four and a half year old little girl in Uganda. She is blind with severe developmental delays, and has been in the orphanage for a year.  Mark and I are headed to Uganda at the end of June to obtain legal guardianship of Suubi and bring her home.  We will then finalize her adoption when we are back in the U.S.  We are excited and overwhelmed at the same time.  This trip will require Mark to be gone for two weeks and Erika for anywhere between five and eight weeks.  We know it will be difficult to be away from our boys and there will be many challenges.  We covet your prayers during this time.

As you can imagine this kind of travel will require quite a financial investment.  Erika has submitted many applications for adoption grants, in the hopes of receiving some financial assistance.  We received word this week from the orphan aid organization, Sowing Roots, that they are offering us a matching grant for up to $2500.  This means any donation we receive toward our adoption can be given through Sowing Roots, as a tax-deductible donation, and they will match up to $2500.  So, we have the potential to raise $5000.

It is very humbling to once again be in a place of asking y’all to consider giving.  So many of you have already sacrificially given, whether monetarily, donating to and helping with yard sales, buying necklaces, getting haircuts at our Hair-Cut-a-Thon fundraiser, personally raising support or praying for us.  So please know we are SO thankful and if you have already given in any form or fashion, we humbly say

THANK YOU!!

If you do seek the Lord and He impresses you to give in this way then

THANK YOU!!

You can mail your donation in the form of a check to:

Sowing Roots

5222 76th Ave. Ct. W.

University Place, WA 98467

Please put Chap2013 in the notes field so the donation will be applied to our adoption.

You will be mailed a receipt for your tax-deductible donation. They will be accepting donations for us through June 20th.  These funds will go toward paying for travel in Uganda, paying our guide, for Suubi’s medical exam, visas and lawyer fees.

You can follow our journey at www.everchangingchapmans.blogspot.com We also have a private facebook group that will have frequent updates. Just send us a message on fb asking to be added and we will do it!

Thank you for journeying with us!

Almost on our way,

Erika, Mark, McCall, Haig and Eli Chapman …..and soon, Suubi!

Almost on our way!!!

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

    but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. 

Proverbs 13:12

We are over the moon excited to announce that we have a court date and are finally traveling to Uganda to bring Suubi home!! Mark and I will fly out near the end of June and meet her.  Mark will stay in Uganda for about two weeks. During that time we will have a court date and hopefully receive a positive ruling.  We will also take Suubi for a medical exam and spend lots of time helping her transition and getting to know our sweet girl.

I will stay with Suubi in my care in Uganda for anywhere between 5-8 weeks.  So we are busy, busy, busy packing and preparing for our long trip away for home and for the boys long time away from us! We know it won't be easy but we are so thankful to know that the LORD has led us down this path and He has gone before us as well. 

We will share more as our journey continues.  We will also be sharing several fundraisers we are currently doing to raise the final funds for travel.  So stay tuned! Thank you for all your prayers, love and support!

Please pray specifically:

1 - all details of travel, immunizations and preparations will go smoothly and we will stay calm as we prepare!

2 - that some of the grants we have applied for will come through soon! in time to be used when traveling.

3 - the Lord will allow these next couple of weeks to be filled with sweet family time and not stress over preparations.

4 - that the boys will have a super time with friends and family while we are gone.

5 - that the Lord will continue to prepare Suubi for the major transitions she is about to experience!

A little update!

Just wanted to give an update as to where we are in our journey to Suubi.  Our dossier (which is kind of like ALL your info about your family, finances and background compiled into one big ole folder) arrived in Uganda beginning of this week and our lawyer has it. She is beginning the process of developing the case. That is great news! Hopefully within the next couple of weeks we will receive affidavits to sign and then she can file for our court date.  Again if she hits any bumps in the road it can take longer but prayerfully she will find all she needs relatively easily and develop a clear and complete file for Suubi.

Then we wait for a court date. That could take 3-6 weeks.  Once we have the court date we have to be ready to travel! We could get a date that gives us a week to prepare or our court date could be 6 weeks or more away from when we hear.  Lots of variables! If we don't receive a date before July 15th then we won't travel until late August or early Sept. even.

We have applied for 12 different grants, and may apply for others. We are so thankful there are organizations out there willing to serve adoptive families in this way. We have already heard back from 2 with a 'no'.:( However, we are trusting and waiting on Him to provide what we need to travel.  It is a huge amount. We really hope and pray we can take the boys with us for at least part of the time.  Spending 6-8 weeks in Uganda is going to be challenging but we would love for the boys to experience some of that time with us. Erika will spend the whole time in Uganda and Mark and the boys will return to the US after the first couple of weeks.

So we are praying for some grants to come through.  We are also going to have another yard sale in May, hopefully, yea! We are continuing to try and sell some items on line and by word of mouth. We have things like a very nice Medela breast pump, some specialty guitars, a piano, a violin, and Christmas china that we are interested in selling. If you know of anyone that might be interested in any of those items you can contact me at erikachapman74@gmail.com.  We are going to work on making a fb page with just those items listed soon so you can send folks there to look and consider purchasing.

We are also still selling our Uganda necklaces. We actually only have a few left at the moment! God has been so faithful at helping us earn funds and share our story through selling the necklaces.  We sent a care package to Suubi a couple of weeks ago through another family that is adopting from the same orphanage.  We made her a stuffed puppy from Build-A-Bear with a recording of each of us telling her we love her. It was a sweet time doing that. We also sent some toddler snacks and a blanket we chose with different textures on it.

The family actually went to the orphanage today to give it to her and love on her. We are so excited to hear how it went!  And so thankful for their willingness to carry it to her and be our hands and feet for a day:)

Ways you can be praying for us are:
- that our lawyer would have insight, favor and wisdom in completing Suubi's case clearly, completely and quickly!
- that we would find favor with grant organizations and fundraising would be successful and the Lord would provide JUST what we need to travel as a family of five and come back as a family of six
- that Suubi would remain healthy and well, that she would feel deep down that she is chosen, loved and secure and the Father would prepare her heart for family
- that we would receive a court date this summer and all details would fall into place
- that Erika would remain emotionally calm and not become a crazy lady as she tries to prepare but not become too anxious

I wish you could hear our boys pray for their little sister and tell people they meet that they have a little sister in Africa. God is so good at how He enlarges our hearts and prepares us for what we do not even imagine. He is truly an Ephesians 3:20 kinda God!

"With God’s power working in us, God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine." Ephesians 3:20

Lift it up...

The last five weeks have not been much fun, and even though we are in a sense on the other side...we are still processing a lot. I had the opportunity to share today with some of the ladies that prayed for me through this and it felt so good to share how God has been so good through it, that I wanted to try to share with all of you that read this blog and pray and love us through each step. So hopefully you can hear my heart and it will make sense.

It felt like I went from a happy, fun party and somehow fell into a big, dark hole. I didn't know the way out and I couldn't see anything and I was pretty sure I was alone.  I wasn't very happy with the Lord. I was pretty mad....and I knew that He knew how disappointed I was in Him. I was just so terribly disappointed.

In hindsight that sounds crazy...that I could feel disappointed in Him:)  Thankfully Jesus can handle my reactions and my wrestling. He didn't rescue me from my confusion. He did in His tenderness remind me that He had never left me, and yes, He did indeed lead me to that dark hole, even though He knew I wouldn't like it.

The Lord has a tendency to repeat Himself with me. Does He ever do that with you? So some of my dear friends that were praying for me sent me Scriptures that they were praying over me through my heartache, and Isaiah 45:3 kept being repeated.

I will give you hidden treasures,
    riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
    the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

They were asking Him to show me hidden treasures and reveal to me these riches stored in secret places. So in the midst of the pain I started to open my eyes and let my eyes become accustomed to this dark place I found myself in. I realized I could actually see a little bit...and I began to feel around. I would find pebbles or sharp rocks, I was sitting on or found next to me.  After holding them for awhile, feeling the weight of them and rubbing the dirt on them and thinking they were just ugly rocks that caused my skinned knees and cut elbows...I started to lift them up to the Lord and ask Him about them.  He slowly began opening these very things that caused me pain, and inside were beautiful jewels.  I was amazed!  Well, if he could reveal such beauty in that dirty, old rock...what could He do with all these other things I was finding in the darkness around me...and IN me.  I slowly began lifting up the things He allowed my hands to find. And each time I surrendered these pain-givers...He opened my eyes to see magnificent treasures and riches that were all around me, and even in me.

I had been screaming lots of big fat "WHYs" at Jesus.  He wasn't answering those cries.  I wanted to know WHY my circumstances were painful and scary and disappointing and not what I thought He promised.  Once I stopped screaming though and began yielding up everything I found and everything that was hurting me....He began faithfully, tenderly healing my hurts and answering my questions and my neediness with Him. He was the answer I was seeking. And somehow the more I needed Him, the more I was filled.  I was never too much for him. My needs were never too great for Him. It was amazing!

And then He began answering some of my tough questions with Who He is. He reminded me that when things didn't go the way I expected...I began to doubt His heart for me.  He could handle me wrestling with Him but He quickly began to remind me of His promises and that my circumstances don't always reflect His promises....but they aren't supposed to! My security lies in Who He is and who I am in Him....not how well things are going in my life.

I could go on and on sharing treasure He has etched on my heart over the past five weeks. I am so thankful. The journey wasn't fun but it was so worth it.  He is so faithful. His ways are higher than our ways. He will never leave me or forsake me. His mercies are new every morning. He does have plans to prosper us and not to harm us.  He is the God who sees me. He is my provider!

He has brought me back into the light and I do feel like I once again trust His heart and am in a new place of greater yieldedness.  And I don't ever want to go back.....to holding my heart back.  But as for that dark hole?  I will go back there...it isn't fun...but I know He is still with me there.  I want to remain in a place of being desperate for Him.  Because that is where I ended up after finally surrendering in that dark hole.  I realized I could trust Him and I needed Him more than anything else.  I want to live and obey in a way that makes me need Him to show up to just make it through the day.

So if you happen to be in that hole.  I feel it...it is hard and lonely. But just rest for a minute and let your eyes adjust.  And then whatever you feel...scoop it up in the palm of your hand and lift it up to His beautiful gaze...hold that palm open and ask Him to show you it for what it is....I promise He'll blow you away:)

I'm praying for you! I would love to hear from you if you are having a dark hole/cave experience.  Remember though, the hole isn't meant for forever, but there is treasure there!

Hope deferred...

Dear family and friends,

We love you...and are so thankful for your prayers and support over the last 29 months as we have traveled this windy and often confusing path of adoption.  The last 6 weeks have been very hard but also, because of God's grace and presence, they have been beautiful.  We don't understand why we were only given 5 days to love on Hope Amelia, but they were sweet and precious days.  We will pray for Hope and her momma, Ashley for the rest of our lives.  They are permanently imprinted on our hearts.

When we returned from Kentucky we decided that we wanted to give ourselves at least a month to grieve and process a bit before decided what "next" was going to look like. We weren't sure whether we should pursue another domestic referral or stay on the Uganda waiting list.  However, after being home for only two weeks our agency asked us if we would consider looking at the file of a little girl with some special needs at the babies home.  She is considered paper ready, which means at this point able to be adopted.  There was another family that met her while visiting Uganda on a mission trip and they were also inquiring to look at her file.  They had not even started their homestudy yet though, so their process would be lengthy.  

Initially we both said "no" because she is legally blind and we were not sure we felt like we could be what she needs.  She is 2 1/2 years old but is developmentally at a 4-6 month old level.  We decided to at least look at her file. Early on in our adoption process, I really believe the Lord gave me the name Hope to pray for our  little girl.  We named our domestic referral Hope, and as far as we know her momma decided to keep that name.  The babies home calls this little girl by a different name but when we opened her file we discovered that her name is actually Suubi.  Suubi means Hope in Lugandan.  We were floored by this....and decided to truly consider this as a possible referral.  So we decided to pray together and separately and limit our conversation about it, but rather pray and fast and seek the Lord.

So that is what we did.  We did not speak about it much between our selves or with others for about two weeks.  During that time in His gentle way the Lord confirmed and affirmed to both of us that we should accept the referral for Suubi.  We realize that there are no guarantees regarding her development.  We had our pediatrician look over the medical paperwork that we do have for her.  There is honestly not much other than bloodwork and some documentation of her physical appearance.

Her left side is immobile at this point.  She is reaching for things with her right hand and kicks with her right leg.  When she first came into care last May she would lay stiff as a board and was fairly unresponsive.  However, now, she laughs and sings to herself.  She responds to stimuli and favors certain caregivers.  She wil need extensive therapy for a long time.  We know this will change our family in many ways.  However, we feel the Lord said, yes, and so we say yes.  We are excited to see what all He can and do in her and in us.  We, honestly, are apprehensive and in many ways scared....but sometimes you just have to obey....scared!

Our God always comes through, is always faithful and we know we can trust His heart for us and for Suubi.  We have been praying for this little girl, in reality almost her entire life.  We don't know when we will travel yet.  We hope to receive a court date before July 15th.  The courts in Uganda close between July 15th and August 15th.  They are working on her case and we hope our dossier will be sent to the lawyer within the next three weeks.  We then sign affidavits and our lawyer will file for a court date.  Then we wait!

We accepted her referral about nine days ago.  We didn't share with many people yet for a few reasons.  We wanted family to be able to digest it first and ask questions.  And since it is still likely a long wait we didn't want to rush things.  We love y'all and please pray for us as we prepare our hearts, our home and for travel.  Also as we wait...that we wait with hope and peace, not anxiety.  Things are also honestly still a bit raw.  Our hearts are still healing...I feel like what I imagine couples experience after they have suffered a miscarriage, and then become pregnant again but don't want to announce their pregnancy until at least the second trimester.  We are still processing and wrapping our hearts and minds around all that has happened and is happening. 

So we are excited and so thankful. Please feel free to ask questions. We may not have the answers but we will try!

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

To Him be all praise and glory!

Our provision, through the desert...

We are here...this has affected all of us differently.  Today is really our first day back to real life.  We were so blessed to have a family offer us two nights at the beach at a wonderful resort/hotel.  We rested and played and swam and snuggled.  It was good for all four of us.  Mark stayed home and went back to work.  We missed him but I'm so glad we had the opportunity to just be together for a bit.  The boys are confused and have lots of questions.  We were able to take the time to be quiet and have some good conversations.  The hard part is I'm just as confused, honestly, and don't have many answers.  We are all a little heart sick everytime we see babies.  When we were at the beach I would often find them just sitting and watching a baby at the pool or at a restaurant.

This is way harder than I anticipated....but I cannot explain to you how thankful I am for all the prayers and fb messages, texts, meals, cards and phone calls.  It may seem small to you, but it is what has helped me stay together.  The prayers and love of the saints is the grace of Christ that is keeping us going.  So thank you, thank you, thank you!  You are being the hands and feet of Jesus in our lives.  We are so grateful.  I have so, so, so, so, so many thank you's to write and send.  Please know that I am working on it from weeks ago when we were doing fundraisers.  So you WILL hear from me and I AM so thankful...my head just isn't quite on straight and my heart is everywhere right now.  I am hoping to actually copy and save all of your messages and emails to put them in a book, because y'all have been so good for our hearts.

I am keeping my face in His Word and just taking it one hour at a time.  Our small group is studying God's promises, which I find is interesting timing:)  Very appropriate for what we are walking through.  I wanted to share this song.  We have had quite a few songs sent our way this week that have truly blessed us, but I listened to this one today and it is quite appropriate.  Even when I don't FEEL this way, it is what we want our cry to be as individuals, as a couple and as a family.  I have posted the words as well.

I just wanted to touch base and let y'all know how we are doing on the other side.  We love y'all! Thank you for journeying with us!

Promise maker, promise keeper
           
You finish what you begin
             
Our provision, through the desert
            
You see it through to the end
[ Tab from: http://www.guitaretab.com/k/kristian-stanfill/343737.html ]
Chorus:
             
The Lord our God is ever faithful, 
  
never changing through the ages

From this darkness, you will lead us
               
and forever we will say you're the Lord our God

Verse 2:
In the silence, in the waiting,
Still we can know you are good
All your plans are for your glory
Yes we can know you are good (2X)

Chorus

Bridge:

We won't move without you, we won't move without you

You're the light of all and all that we need (4X)

Chorus    

Chorus:
             
The Lord our God is ever faithful, 
  
never changing through the ages

From this darkness, you will lead us
               
and forever we will say you're the Lord our God

Picking up the pieces...

I think I will have to share about the last week and a half in a series of posts.  Things are pretty raw and my emotions are awfully close to the surface right now.  But I at least wanted to post briefly because so many of you have been so faithfully praying for us and loving on us.  I want to at least share where we are at the moment.

It is all kind of a blur...but we got the call last Sat evening that the birth mom was in labor and about to deliver. So within three hours our kiddos were packed and dropped off with a friend, a plan was in place and we had thrown enough stuff together to head to Kentucky.  We were on the road by 8:30pm and arrived in Kentucky just before 5 am.  We were met at the hospital by a wonderful adoption counselor from our agency named, Lisa.  She was a godsend and walked us through this difficult week.

The baby was delivered around 7:30 pm and we had been contacted that she was healthy and mother and baby were doing well.  Lisa took us in to meet the birth mom and that went well.  She is a precious young woman that we truly grew to love.  She went through very difficult circumstances and made a very courageous decision to bring her little girl into the world.  She is a believer and a smart girl with an amazing future ahead of her.

Not long after they brought in the baby and introduced us to Hope.  She is beautiful and precious and absolutely perfect in every way.  To say we fell in love would be an understatement.  We were smitten. She had our hearts.  We spent the next 36 hours sharing time with the birth mom loving on Hope. The hospital staff was wonderful and let us have a room just down the hall from the nursery.  Some of that time we all three hung out in our room and oohed and aahhed over the baby.

The last morning the birth mom had had Hope during the night and was supposed to be discharged and bring us the baby.  She kept delaying and finally asked the hospital if she could stay through lunch.  We were anxious but Lisa kept assuring us that the birth mother just needed time to say good-bye.  So around 1pm she finally brought us Hope.  The birth mother was discharged and then we were discharged with Hope to our hotel.  The birth mother signed paperwork in the hospital releasing her to the adoption agency who then was able to release her to us until more paperwork could be signed.  In Kentucky the birth mother cannot technically sign an adoption release until 72 hours after the baby is delivered.  In South Carolina it is only 24 hours.

So we spent time that night loving on Hope and just cherishing each moment.  She was so good and definitely needed to eat every three hours but I loved every second.  It was heaven.  It was what we had waited so long for.  We were just dying for the boys to meet her.  We did FaceTime with them a couple of times and they simply wanted to watch Hope sleep the whole time:)

That was Monday.  On Tuesday we bought some baby blankets and simply rested and loved on Hope. A friend of a friend that we had never met contacted us and brought us a pack and play to use and a home cooked meal.  She is a believer and was so sweet to us! It was neat how the Lord even sent people ahead of us to help us while we were there.  Tuesday night the birth mother called us late and shared with us that she had called a close family member and told her about Hope and the adoption.  This woman was driving into town the next morning and wanted to meet Hope and us as well.  Up to this point she had not told any family members and told the adoption counselor that she did not want them to know because she was afraid they would try to change her mind.  This call made us very nervous but she assured us she was still signing the paperwork but she wanted her cousin to meet Hope.  So we arranged to meet that afternoon after she signed the adoption consent.

Wednesday morning we took Hope to the pediatrician for a newborn check up and then waited to hear from the adoption counselor letting us know the consent papers were signed.  We waited and waited and waited and I honestly became more and more anxious and frantic.  It was not a good sign.  Finally Lisa called and said that the birth mom did not sign the paperwork and she and her cousin met with the lawyer to discuss the possibility of the cousin parenting Hope.  The birth mom had until 3pm the next day to decide.

To say we were shaken was an understatement.  We still were asked to meet the birth mom and her cousin for lunch.  I just broke down.  I am not a crier but I was heart broken.  I knew this wasn't good at all.  I was a red eyed mess but we met them.  We didn't eat but just sat there trying to create conversation and without begging, appeal to the birth mom.  It was the most awkward interaction and emotionally charged meeting I have ever been a part of.  I tried not to cry but at times I did.  Mark was so wonderful at trying to engage the cousin and get to know them.  They weren't really interested in getting to know us and had no questions for us.  Which we knew was not a good sign.  We were there for at least two hours and oddly enough even though we offered for them to hold her, we held Hope almost the entire time.

We left shaken.  I cried for almost the next 24 hours.  The adoption counselor asked us if we would be okay keeping Hope that night even though it was likely the birth mom would take her the next day.  We said, yes, that we would love the time with her.  We ate it up.  Loved on her, prayed over her, played with her.  She is such a sweet, treasure and although that was so painful, I am so thankful we had that time with her.

So the next morning we just waited and waited and waited some more.  Around 11:30 am we finally got the call that the birth mom was not going to give the baby up.  She was choosing to parent but in reality she was going to let the cousin raise the baby until she can be in a position financially and otherwise to parent.  It was so hard.  We packed her bag and kissed her and told her how much we loved her and wanted her but would be praying for her.  Lisa came to our hotel and picked her up about 1:30pm.  It was just time for her feeding so it was so hard buckling her into the car seat crying.  But she finally calmed down and fell asleep.  We kissed her sweet little head and told her good bye.  Then went inside and held each other and wept.

There is nothing easy about it.  Nothing.  I hate it and I don't understand any of it really.  We have asked ourselves and each other a million times...did we disobey...did we mishear...but we don't believe we did. We asked God to provide open doors and we would walk through them. We asked Him to provide the finances and figure out the details and He did. The only thing He didn't answer was this one final thing....we couldn't keep her.  All along we said we would hold her with an open hand.  Anything that is a gift from God is good and we know we need to keep our hands open.  We just never thought He would take her that quickly.

Our hearts hurt....a lot.  Our boys hearts hurt....I know your hearts hurt.  Thank you for walking through this hurt with us. It does help to know we aren't alone.  I am so disappointed...and honestly there are so very few times when I feel like God has disappointed me...I know that isn't theologically correct because I know He hasn't truly disappointed me...but to my little girl heart...it feels like it.  So I am struggling through this.  I am trudging through the questions of reconciling what I know about God and His promises with what is actually happening in my life and heart right now.  I don't have all those answers yet.  And the really hard thing is I may never have the answers.

I do know my Jesus loves me and He loves Hope and he loves her momma.  And I can't call her her birth momma anymore because she is her only momma.  That stings and breaks my heart into more little pieces every time I realize that anew.  She will never be my little girl. Okay, here come the tears again.  I never thought I could cry this much. Shew! For a girl that rarely cries, going through two kleenex boxes in a 24 hour period is a record!

So where does that leave us?  Well, Thursday after we calmed down a bit and packed up all the baby stuff we went and drove around Kentucky (that is part of how Mark processes:) for a bit and ended up at the adoption agency.  We talked to the director and Lisa and another wonderful agency worker for a bit.  We don't have a definite direction yet.  We are trying to give ourselves some time to pray and heal before we make any decisions about the future.  However, we were thankful to find out that all the funds we poured into this adoption are basically still there.  We may have to pay some minor fees for rematching and we have to work some things out with our lawyer, but most of our fees are intact.  We just have to decide which direction we want to go.  If we want to pursue Uganda longer or try domestic adoption through Kentucky again or South Carolina.  There are quite a few factors that play into that but once we have had some time we will make a decision.

In so many ways we wish we could feel released from adopting...just because this journey has been hard on our hearts.  But we aren't released and we can't walk away.  We know we are called to adopt.  We believe the Lord has Hope out there for us, somewhere.  We have asked you all for so much and you have poured out on us.  Thank you!  Will you please continue to pray for us?  Pray that we will heal and hear Him clearly about what is next.  Pray for the little Hope that is growing up in Kentucky....oh Jesus may she know you intimately at a young age and follow you closely all of her days!  Pray for our boys...this is hard for them to understand, but we are praying the Lord places a passion for James 1:27 in their hearts.  And please continue to pray for our little one or little ones that are still out there somewhere.

What a week y'all! What a journey!  I really can't even begin to express the support y'all were this week.  Through FB and texts and phone calls and prayers.  We would not have made it spiritually, emotionally, our marriage would not have made it without y'all praying and supporting us.  Thank you!! We love you!!  We are thankful!  He is still our Eph. 3:20 God and He is teaching us and growing us and revealing new facets of His character to us through this process. For that we are grateful.