Our provision, through the desert...

We are here...this has affected all of us differently.  Today is really our first day back to real life.  We were so blessed to have a family offer us two nights at the beach at a wonderful resort/hotel.  We rested and played and swam and snuggled.  It was good for all four of us.  Mark stayed home and went back to work.  We missed him but I'm so glad we had the opportunity to just be together for a bit.  The boys are confused and have lots of questions.  We were able to take the time to be quiet and have some good conversations.  The hard part is I'm just as confused, honestly, and don't have many answers.  We are all a little heart sick everytime we see babies.  When we were at the beach I would often find them just sitting and watching a baby at the pool or at a restaurant.

This is way harder than I anticipated....but I cannot explain to you how thankful I am for all the prayers and fb messages, texts, meals, cards and phone calls.  It may seem small to you, but it is what has helped me stay together.  The prayers and love of the saints is the grace of Christ that is keeping us going.  So thank you, thank you, thank you!  You are being the hands and feet of Jesus in our lives.  We are so grateful.  I have so, so, so, so, so many thank you's to write and send.  Please know that I am working on it from weeks ago when we were doing fundraisers.  So you WILL hear from me and I AM so thankful...my head just isn't quite on straight and my heart is everywhere right now.  I am hoping to actually copy and save all of your messages and emails to put them in a book, because y'all have been so good for our hearts.

I am keeping my face in His Word and just taking it one hour at a time.  Our small group is studying God's promises, which I find is interesting timing:)  Very appropriate for what we are walking through.  I wanted to share this song.  We have had quite a few songs sent our way this week that have truly blessed us, but I listened to this one today and it is quite appropriate.  Even when I don't FEEL this way, it is what we want our cry to be as individuals, as a couple and as a family.  I have posted the words as well.

I just wanted to touch base and let y'all know how we are doing on the other side.  We love y'all! Thank you for journeying with us!

Promise maker, promise keeper
           
You finish what you begin
             
Our provision, through the desert
            
You see it through to the end
[ Tab from: http://www.guitaretab.com/k/kristian-stanfill/343737.html ]
Chorus:
             
The Lord our God is ever faithful, 
  
never changing through the ages

From this darkness, you will lead us
               
and forever we will say you're the Lord our God

Verse 2:
In the silence, in the waiting,
Still we can know you are good
All your plans are for your glory
Yes we can know you are good (2X)

Chorus

Bridge:

We won't move without you, we won't move without you

You're the light of all and all that we need (4X)

Chorus    

Chorus:
             
The Lord our God is ever faithful, 
  
never changing through the ages

From this darkness, you will lead us
               
and forever we will say you're the Lord our God

Picking up the pieces...

I think I will have to share about the last week and a half in a series of posts.  Things are pretty raw and my emotions are awfully close to the surface right now.  But I at least wanted to post briefly because so many of you have been so faithfully praying for us and loving on us.  I want to at least share where we are at the moment.

It is all kind of a blur...but we got the call last Sat evening that the birth mom was in labor and about to deliver. So within three hours our kiddos were packed and dropped off with a friend, a plan was in place and we had thrown enough stuff together to head to Kentucky.  We were on the road by 8:30pm and arrived in Kentucky just before 5 am.  We were met at the hospital by a wonderful adoption counselor from our agency named, Lisa.  She was a godsend and walked us through this difficult week.

The baby was delivered around 7:30 pm and we had been contacted that she was healthy and mother and baby were doing well.  Lisa took us in to meet the birth mom and that went well.  She is a precious young woman that we truly grew to love.  She went through very difficult circumstances and made a very courageous decision to bring her little girl into the world.  She is a believer and a smart girl with an amazing future ahead of her.

Not long after they brought in the baby and introduced us to Hope.  She is beautiful and precious and absolutely perfect in every way.  To say we fell in love would be an understatement.  We were smitten. She had our hearts.  We spent the next 36 hours sharing time with the birth mom loving on Hope. The hospital staff was wonderful and let us have a room just down the hall from the nursery.  Some of that time we all three hung out in our room and oohed and aahhed over the baby.

The last morning the birth mom had had Hope during the night and was supposed to be discharged and bring us the baby.  She kept delaying and finally asked the hospital if she could stay through lunch.  We were anxious but Lisa kept assuring us that the birth mother just needed time to say good-bye.  So around 1pm she finally brought us Hope.  The birth mother was discharged and then we were discharged with Hope to our hotel.  The birth mother signed paperwork in the hospital releasing her to the adoption agency who then was able to release her to us until more paperwork could be signed.  In Kentucky the birth mother cannot technically sign an adoption release until 72 hours after the baby is delivered.  In South Carolina it is only 24 hours.

So we spent time that night loving on Hope and just cherishing each moment.  She was so good and definitely needed to eat every three hours but I loved every second.  It was heaven.  It was what we had waited so long for.  We were just dying for the boys to meet her.  We did FaceTime with them a couple of times and they simply wanted to watch Hope sleep the whole time:)

That was Monday.  On Tuesday we bought some baby blankets and simply rested and loved on Hope. A friend of a friend that we had never met contacted us and brought us a pack and play to use and a home cooked meal.  She is a believer and was so sweet to us! It was neat how the Lord even sent people ahead of us to help us while we were there.  Tuesday night the birth mother called us late and shared with us that she had called a close family member and told her about Hope and the adoption.  This woman was driving into town the next morning and wanted to meet Hope and us as well.  Up to this point she had not told any family members and told the adoption counselor that she did not want them to know because she was afraid they would try to change her mind.  This call made us very nervous but she assured us she was still signing the paperwork but she wanted her cousin to meet Hope.  So we arranged to meet that afternoon after she signed the adoption consent.

Wednesday morning we took Hope to the pediatrician for a newborn check up and then waited to hear from the adoption counselor letting us know the consent papers were signed.  We waited and waited and waited and I honestly became more and more anxious and frantic.  It was not a good sign.  Finally Lisa called and said that the birth mom did not sign the paperwork and she and her cousin met with the lawyer to discuss the possibility of the cousin parenting Hope.  The birth mom had until 3pm the next day to decide.

To say we were shaken was an understatement.  We still were asked to meet the birth mom and her cousin for lunch.  I just broke down.  I am not a crier but I was heart broken.  I knew this wasn't good at all.  I was a red eyed mess but we met them.  We didn't eat but just sat there trying to create conversation and without begging, appeal to the birth mom.  It was the most awkward interaction and emotionally charged meeting I have ever been a part of.  I tried not to cry but at times I did.  Mark was so wonderful at trying to engage the cousin and get to know them.  They weren't really interested in getting to know us and had no questions for us.  Which we knew was not a good sign.  We were there for at least two hours and oddly enough even though we offered for them to hold her, we held Hope almost the entire time.

We left shaken.  I cried for almost the next 24 hours.  The adoption counselor asked us if we would be okay keeping Hope that night even though it was likely the birth mom would take her the next day.  We said, yes, that we would love the time with her.  We ate it up.  Loved on her, prayed over her, played with her.  She is such a sweet, treasure and although that was so painful, I am so thankful we had that time with her.

So the next morning we just waited and waited and waited some more.  Around 11:30 am we finally got the call that the birth mom was not going to give the baby up.  She was choosing to parent but in reality she was going to let the cousin raise the baby until she can be in a position financially and otherwise to parent.  It was so hard.  We packed her bag and kissed her and told her how much we loved her and wanted her but would be praying for her.  Lisa came to our hotel and picked her up about 1:30pm.  It was just time for her feeding so it was so hard buckling her into the car seat crying.  But she finally calmed down and fell asleep.  We kissed her sweet little head and told her good bye.  Then went inside and held each other and wept.

There is nothing easy about it.  Nothing.  I hate it and I don't understand any of it really.  We have asked ourselves and each other a million times...did we disobey...did we mishear...but we don't believe we did. We asked God to provide open doors and we would walk through them. We asked Him to provide the finances and figure out the details and He did. The only thing He didn't answer was this one final thing....we couldn't keep her.  All along we said we would hold her with an open hand.  Anything that is a gift from God is good and we know we need to keep our hands open.  We just never thought He would take her that quickly.

Our hearts hurt....a lot.  Our boys hearts hurt....I know your hearts hurt.  Thank you for walking through this hurt with us. It does help to know we aren't alone.  I am so disappointed...and honestly there are so very few times when I feel like God has disappointed me...I know that isn't theologically correct because I know He hasn't truly disappointed me...but to my little girl heart...it feels like it.  So I am struggling through this.  I am trudging through the questions of reconciling what I know about God and His promises with what is actually happening in my life and heart right now.  I don't have all those answers yet.  And the really hard thing is I may never have the answers.

I do know my Jesus loves me and He loves Hope and he loves her momma.  And I can't call her her birth momma anymore because she is her only momma.  That stings and breaks my heart into more little pieces every time I realize that anew.  She will never be my little girl. Okay, here come the tears again.  I never thought I could cry this much. Shew! For a girl that rarely cries, going through two kleenex boxes in a 24 hour period is a record!

So where does that leave us?  Well, Thursday after we calmed down a bit and packed up all the baby stuff we went and drove around Kentucky (that is part of how Mark processes:) for a bit and ended up at the adoption agency.  We talked to the director and Lisa and another wonderful agency worker for a bit.  We don't have a definite direction yet.  We are trying to give ourselves some time to pray and heal before we make any decisions about the future.  However, we were thankful to find out that all the funds we poured into this adoption are basically still there.  We may have to pay some minor fees for rematching and we have to work some things out with our lawyer, but most of our fees are intact.  We just have to decide which direction we want to go.  If we want to pursue Uganda longer or try domestic adoption through Kentucky again or South Carolina.  There are quite a few factors that play into that but once we have had some time we will make a decision.

In so many ways we wish we could feel released from adopting...just because this journey has been hard on our hearts.  But we aren't released and we can't walk away.  We know we are called to adopt.  We believe the Lord has Hope out there for us, somewhere.  We have asked you all for so much and you have poured out on us.  Thank you!  Will you please continue to pray for us?  Pray that we will heal and hear Him clearly about what is next.  Pray for the little Hope that is growing up in Kentucky....oh Jesus may she know you intimately at a young age and follow you closely all of her days!  Pray for our boys...this is hard for them to understand, but we are praying the Lord places a passion for James 1:27 in their hearts.  And please continue to pray for our little one or little ones that are still out there somewhere.

What a week y'all! What a journey!  I really can't even begin to express the support y'all were this week.  Through FB and texts and phone calls and prayers.  We would not have made it spiritually, emotionally, our marriage would not have made it without y'all praying and supporting us.  Thank you!! We love you!!  We are thankful!  He is still our Eph. 3:20 God and He is teaching us and growing us and revealing new facets of His character to us through this process. For that we are grateful.

Ginormous News!!

Hopefully this post will make a lick of sense.  I am a bit sleep deprived from fighting a cold and trying to line things up because...

WE HAVE BEEN MATCHED!!  With a birth mom from another state. She is having a baby girl:)

What does this mean?  We had a super conversation with a sweet young lady that is the birth mother.  I will have to post a longer post later about that sweet interaction.  Such a precious conversation.  We didn't hear from the agency until the next afternoon to tell us whether or not she still wanted to choose us.  I may or may not have completely freaked out and been very snappy with my husband and refused to take any phone calls all day because I completely did not handle the stress well.  I may NOT have, but probably did:)

We overnighted our agency fees...that day...because our amazing friends and family surrounded us and graciously and sacrificially gave so we could simply send those funds, exactly on time!

So now....we have an appt on Monday to retain a lawyer....we wait and continue to pray for the birth mother.....and...

We have an awesome yard sale and bake sale tomorrow...in exactly 5 hours and 49 minutes....we watch in wonder as friends love and serve us with a Hair-cut-a-thon tomorrow, a 31 adoption fundraiser, my brother and his wife come and do some repairs to our house that need to get done, we plan and hope!!  We are hoping to raise the remainder of our need for lawyer fees, travel and some miscellaneous needs that have come up changing our homestudy.  We hope to raise another $3200, and we believe He will do that over the next 10 days!

She is due in ten days.  Wow!  Nothing is guaranteed.  So please pray for the precious birth mom that is making the most courageous and possibly difficult decision she has ever made.  Pray for a safe and peace filled delivery.  Pray that we can get everything scheduled and figured out over the next ten days or so.  One of us has to stay out of state for about seven to ten days.  Hopefully at some point during that time period all of us will travel to see the baby.

We still have lots of questions ourselves and lots to figure out.  I have spent the last 29 months researching international adoption and have only had about six weeks to learn about domestic adoption:)  So there is SO much I don't know.

What I DO know though, is that if this is what the LORD wants, then it will work out and the doors will continue to open.  I DO know that we are amazingly blessed by wonderful family and friends.  And I DO know that our God is good, great, sufficient, Sovereign, sees me and knows what is best for me. Therefore I trust Him!

We are celebrating and anticipating great things this weekend:)  Thank you for celebrating with us!!

Running over....

Wednesday morning was when I posted that we really wanted to be considered for a birth mother that is due soon....but we definitely needed $10,000 to be considered.  I honestly was at the bottom of my rope.  I was so discouraged....and knew God COULD do it....but totally expected a no.  I was definitely fighting some heavy spiritual attack and couldn't shake this feeling of hopelessness.  So I wrote the blog post.  I was discouraged to be "asking" again.  I was trying to figure it out in my own strength again.  I wanted to figure out what I could sell or how I could earn this money fast enough.  One friend simply reminded me that sometimes we just need to open our mouths and ask.  Folks will say no or yes, but leave it up to them and the Holy Spirit.  So I did...and I reached out to some friends asking for some strong prayers for my heart and spirit. 

Wednesday night we had our small group and we started a series on God's promises.  Umm...yeah...He has impeccable timing.  I won't share all three pages of my notes, but He reminded me that He is about His business.  I can walk by faith while I wait for Him to work because His promises are exceedingly great.  And when it comes down to it I experience His promises through Jesus every day....through Him.  He is enough to sustain me until I see, someday, what I am hoping for.

So after an exhausting day of hoping, but grieving because I expected Him to say no.  I had worked myself up all day to accepting a no answer, not very graciously.  I had no idea that during the two hours we met, several people had called and emailed leaving messages saying they were sending....$6,800.  Oh my goodness!!! By noon on Thursday people had pledged by Feb. 1st to make sure we had in our hands over $7,500!! A-MA-ZING!!

We needed $7,000 to meet our agency fees so they could feel comfortable showing our portfolio to the birth mother this weekend. We were so thankful to be able to email our agency director Thursday morning and say that we are on board!! Hopefully unless the snow changes the plan, they will show our portfolio, along with several other families to the birth mother.  So please pray that the Lord will close the door if this is not the little one for our family or help us find favor in the birth momma's eyes if this is our little Chapman.  There are some amazing, incredible families that are waiting to be matched.

We are still continuing to raise funds because we need to pay for lawyer fees and traveling expenses; as well as other random expenses like FBI fingerprinting, having our homestudy changed to a domestic study and fixing some things at the house that need to be done since our household has changed a bit for homestudy purposes. We will have to travel out of state for at least a week when/if we go to get the baby.  This will require at least one trip, maybe two.  And there may be medical bills we need to cover for the birth mom.  Lots of uncertainties that may require funding.

The Lord is taking care of that too.  Friends have already started planning fundraisers, including a 31 party and a hair-cut-a-thon!  We have also had two people pledge different amounts for the future, as well as people send messages from other states letting us know that they are sending donations.  Once again we are overwhelmed and amazed at people's generosity and willingness to invest in our family.  What it really comes down to though is people's obedience and willingness to sacrifice to obey James 1:27.  And our prayer is first of all that all of this will bring Jesus great, big glory!! We also are praying this verse for each person that has given and reached out to let us know they are praying:
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”  Luke 6:38

We are praying the Lord pours out His blessings on you!  Thank you for your sacrifice and your obedience in blessing us!! We are so undeserving and so, so thankful!! We may not get picked this time.  However this will make us ready for whenever we are chosen.  It could be next month...I believe there is at least one, maybe two other mothers that would be due this year that might possibly choose us.  And who knows, we are still #1 on the Uganda waiting list!!

Regardless we want to give praise to the God who provides.  As Philippians 4:19 says, " And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."  He knows what I need best.  So we may need to wait longer:) but I'm so astounded at the number of loud "yeses" we have heard over the past three days!

Thank you friends and family!! We love you so much! We will update again once we know more, I promise!  And if I haven't responded to your email/text/fb message/phone call, please forgive me!  I will soon!  I am so blessed to have received many, many, many messages from y'all letting me know you are praying, or asking how to help, or encouraging me.  I will respond I just am also finishing more adoption paperwork, doing some Norwex parties, feebly attempting to homeschool, trying to keep up with my wonderful CBS ladies and keeping the household afloat:)  Someday I will get caught up and respond in a timely manner....maybe...

Higher than the mountains that I face...

My emotions are everywhere and I honestly am not sure I should be the one writing this post.    However you all have walked with us this far so I wanted to just lay out there where we are and what we face.  

We already updated you last post that we are #1 on the waiting list for Uganda.  A referral still appears to be quite a ways off which means maybe 6-9 months, possibly less.  We did hear back that the 4 yr old boy that we prayed about adopting did find a family.  Thank you Jesus!

There is a birth mom that the agency would like to show her our portfolio.  However we were told yesterday that basically we need to fill a $10,000 gap before they feel comfortable showing her our info.  She is due in February so a decision needs to be made quickly and the possibility of bringing a baby home is soon.  They are letting us transfer some of our funds from the international program over to domestic.  Much of what we have paid already went toward our home study and the recent update.  We also spent thousands of dollars on immigration approval, fingerprinting, birth certificates, passports, adoption education required for the home study, dr. appts, paperwork, etc, etc. 

However to finish the fees for the domestic program, the lawyer fees and traveling expenses we need to have access to almost $10,000.  The whole amount is $18,000 but through generous people and through fundraising we definitely have $8,000 readily available.

We hope/plan to do another yard sale on Sat. , Feb. 2nd.  That usually makes around $1,000. And just this morning two more friends pledged to gift us $600.:)  We are applying for an adoption grant today with a local bank.  We also are pursuing some adoption grants but unfortunately many of them don't guarantee a response for 60-90 days and they cannot be awarded once the child has come into care.  So if we are going to pursue this baby that is due in Feb, those won't work.

So we definitely need $9,400.  So will you pray with us?  We are also looking to sell some personal items...hopefully on ebay. Like my violin from high school, and my china, both Christmas and regular. The agency would really like to show this young woman our info this week but we don't want to sign paperwork until we truly feel like we have access to $10,000.  

This might be a door that closes.  Regardless we still need to raise $10,000 for travel to Uganda.  So either way that is our current goal.  I would be false if I didn't say that my heart really, really wants at least the chance for this birth mom to pick us.  I would love to bring a little one home.  But I know that the Lord has His plan and it is indeed best.  I choose to trust that and trust Him.  More than anything...truly, truly, we want Him to get great big glory!

So, so, so many of you have given sacrificially to us along this journey. THANK YOU!!!  It is not wasted, but hopefully about to bring our dream to pass.  Please hear me say we are not asking you to give again or more!! We are forever grateful!!  If someone is reading this though and feels a quickening in their spirit to help in any way though, we humbly and graciously would love for you to be part of this journey.  

I will update you as soon as we hear back from the bank about the possible grant.  We also are looking into a no-interest adoption loan to see if that would be a possibility.  We are also praying we might find someone willing to loan us a gap amount that we could repay within the year.  We potentially should get some refund money back through the adoption tax credit but it would be the beginning of next year.  So...

This is humbling and scary. I have been an emotional basketcase the past two days.  So if you see me and my eyes are glazed over, please forgive me.  I so, so hope that this is it!  But it very realistically might be another no...and that honestly makes me cry.  If the Lord fills the gap in the next few days then the birth momma will look at our stuff and we could potentially travel to get a little one in the next couple of weeks.  If that doesn't happen then we will continue to find ways to save and earn money and pray and wait for another referral.

Shew! Thanks for reading this long craziness and for journeying with us.  If you are contemplating giving, then thank you and bless you!!  If you can and will pray for us then thank you and bless you!!

This is what I know:

Higher than the mountains
That I face
Stronger than the power
Of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me
(x3)
Your love

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen 
Ephesians 3:20-21

What is new!

Sweet friends and family-

What is going on with us? :)  The exciting news is that we have officially moved up to the #1 spot on the waiting list for Uganda through Nightlight/A Helping Hands Adoption.  The disheartening news (in a sense) is we are probably at least 6-9 months away from a referral.  There are a few more children that have come into care but they can't even be considered for referral until at the very earliest possibly May. Then we would have to wait for a court date, etc.

We have been blessed over the last few months to reconnect with a precious friend, Lakeisha.  She was in my Community Bible study group last year and I had the privilege last May of being present at her daughter Paris' birth.  We didn't see much of each other this summer but in August we reconnected.  Lakeisha lived quite a ways from town and was having car issues so we started helping get her to work and also I offered to watch Paris while she worked.  Over Christmas it became apparent that her living situation wasn't going to work out so she moved into the apartment attached to our house.  The week before my parents, who had been living in the apartment, moved to Atlanta. We were sad, sad to see them go, but are believing with them that 2013 will bring them boatloads of blessings in Atlanta. So it all worked out.

Lakeisha hopes to eventually move into her own place but this helps her in the in between.  We love having her nearby and hopefully this will help her get back on her feet more quickly.  Through our time with Paris, as a family, we realized that we really would love to have a baby.  We are open and excited about the possibility of adopting older children but we newly recognized that adopting an infant would be a blessing too.

So as a result, we decided to look into domestic adoption as well.  Right now we are on a waiting list for both domestic and international ...we will just see which door the Lord opens first!  We have had some unusual possibilities arise over the last month or two, but nothing has come to fruition.  So we continue to pray and wait and just believe that the Lord will make it crystal clear and everything will fall into place at just the right time! We asked for prayer just today because we were contacted by an attorney in the state that we have communicated with in the past because he is looking for a family for a little boy from out of state.  They needed to place him very quickly. We were willing and excited but the details just did not fall into place, so we had to pass on that referral.  We are praying that Jesus brings that little man just the right family and quickly.

Mark also started a new job in December as the Discipleship Director at the Florence Newspring Campus.  He is loving this change and we are all adjusting to the transitions it brings.  The Lord is so good to us.  I have to be honest in saying that I am feeling a bit blue at still not having a referral, but I am thankful.  I realize the process is part of the journey and we are definitely learning and growing.  These are growing pains.:)  Thank you for journeying with us, supporting us and lifting us up in prayer.  You all are such an encouragement when you ask how things are going and send me messages and notes of encouragement.  We continue to pray that Jesus' name would be glorified and lifted high, high high through this entire process!!

The Wilderness and wrestling

 But Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray.
Luke 5:16

In the ESV it says desolate places, the NIV calls it lonely places. I'm not sure what to call it.

This post is going to be scattered and raw so I'm just forewarning you...if you want to feel happy, deep or fluffy than please sign out now:) Everything is okay and I wish I could be Super positive Sally but that is just not where I'm at.

This verse hit me about a week ago.  Jesus is our example and when He was weary and needed to be with the Father He would retreat.  He would pull away to solitary places.  Now when I need a break and a place to plug in and refill I generally choose a nice hotel, or the beach when it is beautiful outside or my bed for a nap.  Not Jesus though.  Where did He go?  No hammock by the lake for Him.  He headed into the wilderness.  What?  Like where it is most likely hot during the day and cold at night and wild animals live and usually barren and dangerous?  THAT wilderness?  Yep?

Once again Jesus modeled a completely backward approach.  His choice was lonely and desolate.  When He needed to reconnect with the Father and gain strength He chose to go to the LAST place I would pick.  He sought intimacy with His Source and found it.....in the lonely, harsh, desolate, hard places.

Yikes....so in this sucky season of endless waiting, uncertainty and frustration I certainly can and SHOULD find intimacy with Him?  I can seek Him and find Him in this place, not in spite of this season and my surroundings.  Sometimes my perspective is that I will find deeper relationship with Him in the midst of a hard season because of my greater need for Him...and this is true.  Sometimes I find sweeter intimacy with Jesus after a difficult circumstance because I am so thankful for the sweet release He brings....and this is true.  And sometimes when I look ahead and see a desertland in the distance that I may walk through, it drives me to greater communication with Him as I beg for His Presence and intervention...this is also true.

However, I am trying to sort through how, when I feel a need for more of Him....I may actually be called to GO to the wilderness....the lonely place....the desolate place...and that is where I will be refilled.  That is hard for me to wrap my head around.  But that is where Jesus went and it makes no sense to ME...but if Jesus did it, then it must work!  He was so backwards, dadgumit!  And where is that place?  I do know when I allow myself to be truly poured out in obedience, I find him there and it is good!  So maybe it does mean pulling away from the busyness and taking a break from relationships for a time...which can be hard, so I can be filled.  Or maybe it says yes to loving on someone that is pretty unlovable and investing in something that looks like it may have a poor return, simply out of obedience to His whisper...and that is where I will find my needed Source.

So I haven't figured all that out, obviously, but this is where I am at.  Right now we have been in the adoption process for two years and waiting for a referral for about 11 months.  We had NO idea it would actually take this long.  Most days I am struggling with this.  About two days a week I feel peace about it and firmly trust His timing.  Yeah...obviously I could use some help in the old faith and trust department.

I KNOW He has got this and His timing IS perfect and we just need to wait and trust.  However, getting my mind, my heart and my body all on the same page on the same day is like wrangling cats.

The good news is that YES this IS causing growth in me and is certainly making me flesh out and walk out what I believe.  Yea!!  I am learning to go back to what His Word says and bring my emotions into submission to that.  I am learning to wait with joy (some moments) and the gift that waiting can be.  I am developing relationships with AMAZING men and women that advocate for widows and orphans ALL over the world.  I love that part and pray that the Lord uses these relationships in my life in the future.

He has planted a passion for orphans and hurting children within me that just burns.  It is hard to explain and I am thankful for it, but honestly it can be really hard.  I know, cry me a river....but it is hard.  I want to bring children without a family into our home...children that are getting older every day.  I know the Lord will make it happen when He sees fit but each night I go to bed with them still not home it is just hard knowing that was another day that I missed the little things...and maybe the big things.  Thankfully the Lord has brought so many godly, passionate people into my life that also have a passion for orphan care so every day I hear stories about little ones desperate for families.  And I want to GO...I want to GO...but the Lord has not opened the right door yet, so I can't.  

He is their Savior and not me.  I believe this wholeheartedly and boy, oh, boy do I pray for these little ones.  So many that aren't meant to be Chapmans but I'm praying the Lord will raise up families around the world to bring these precious ones home.  He has pushed us WAY out of our comfort zones and I know this is just the beginning.  We are just at the bottom of the mountain looking up.  But isn't this how we are called to live as Christ followers?  To care more about obedience than our comfort?  To sacrifice our plans for His plans and be willing to lay down our lives so others can live?

I was challenged recently (this should be a whole other blog post) reading in Joshua and Judges how the generation that experienced the crossing of the Jordan and God bringing down the walls of Jericho and bringing them into the Promised Land...that generation failed to teach their children and grandchildren about what their mighty God did.

"After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew neither the LORD nor what he had done for Israel."  Judges 2:10

and so what happened?

"Then the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD and served the Baals.  They forsook the LORD, the God of their fathers, who had brought them out of Egypt.  They followed and worshiped various gods of the peoples around them. They provoked the LORD to anger..."  Judges 2:11-12

Because the children were not taught of the Lord's faithfulness and did not see it...they forsook the Lord.  I was challenged to ask #1-what are my children learning about the Lord from me?  That He is the Creator and the Author of a lot of cool stories and blesses our food?  I want them to see His truths written out in my reactions, in the way I pray, the way I serve, the way I love them and the least of these.  I want them to know that He is mighty, Sovereign, faithful, tender, ever-present and awesome!! It is MY responsibility to LIVE that, not just say it!

And #2-and am I raising them in a way that they NEED Him?  Am I living in a way that I need Him?  When the Israelites were starving in the desert they needed God to show up with some manna...when they faced the Jordan River at flood level they needed a great big God to show up with a solution...and when they were facing the imposing walls of Jericho and marching around following God's crazy sounding plan...they needed God to do some shaking!  

Is my life so comfortable and risk free that I have it all under control and even though I worship God and enjoy my wonderful church...I don't actually NEED Him?  Oh my goodness!! I am so used to making sure my kids have the right food and the right vitamins and aren't too cold or too hot and don't get too thirsty or too tired...aaahhh when do they realize they need God?  Mom and Dad have it all taken care of!  Okay I'm not going to starve my kids I'm just wrestling through comfortable Christianity.  God didn't save us to be simply safe.  If I'm praying that my boys will grow to be warriors for Christ we may have to experience some battle training.  Do I know exactly what that looks like?  No, but I certainly don't ever want to face Jesus and realize I never lived in a way where I got to a place of actually needing Him.  He has so much more for us, I truly believe that!

I told you this would be scattered. I'm nowhere near polished at the moment.  Most days I feel so unprepared...but it doesn't change the passion and desire to be obedient and the calling to adopt.  So every day I beg the Lord to bring us a referral.  We are still #2 on the waiting list. There are many more uncertainties than certainties.  Please pray for patience and wisdom.  Pray that God will speed the days.  I pray every day for our little ones to feel safe, loved, protected and chosen.  I pray that deep down they will feel secure and wake up each day with hope.  I pray that He daily brings someone into their lives to bring them food, water, shelter and medicine if they need it.  And I pray that He will bring someone to wrap their arms around them and they will find favor in their caretakers' eyes.  Would you pray with me?  Would you ask God to make our next steps crystal clear, that we would have unity in our decision making and that He would get ALL the glory!  

One of my biggest prayers from day one is that He would be glorified and that He would give many, many of our friends and family a passion to adopt and for orphan care.  I am praying for many of you by name that He would spring up within you the calling to expand your family and give a child a home.  We were all orphans at one time.  The Father adopted us.  Where would we be without Him?  He rescued us.  So Sunday, November 4th is Orphan Sunday.  Will you be brave enough to just ask the Lord to give you that passion and desire...if He wants and wills? Just asking is so God honoring.  I know we aren't the poster child of happy endings....yet...but oh He IS faithful and He WILL complete this good work He has started in us.  I am confident of this.  Thanks for tracking with me:)