I don't know what I'm doing...

For about two weeks I’ve felt compelled to blog about this thought…

I don’t know what I’m doing….

Odd yes, yet this is the reoccurring thought that runs through my mind so consistently throughout the day.

Should I take my son in to the doctor for that strange rash? Will I have enough in the bank account on Friday to make that next payment? How many times have I done Suubi’s oral Beckman exercises today? Am I being too strict with my 13 year old when it comes to social media or not strict enough?  Why does my 10 year old melt down when “this” happens?  Did I really make eye contact for a meaningful conversation with my spouse today? What kind of clothes will Suubi be able to wear with her spica cast? How much extra money will food cost next month? When can I possibly exercise this month? Am I a horrible mom because I don’t stay for soccer practice? Should I feel guilty that I have not volunteered for ANYTHING in my kids’ classrooms this year? Did I write them a thank you note….probably not? When was the last time I washed the boys’ sheets???

Perhaps you don’t have neurotic, insecure thoughts like these. But I do. A lot. I’m way out of my playing field, weight category, ability level. I love my life and my family, however, let me make it clear that I truly,

Do.not.know.what.I’m.doing.

I hope I don’t look like I’m trying to appear like I’m altogether. I’m not trying to look like a hot mess either, but inside most of the time I feel like it:) That is why it is so essential….really, like it is life or death...that I get time with Jesus each day. Because honestly He is the only way things stay together around here. I love my children fiercely but I don’t have what it takes in and of myself to raise them and love them the way they deserve. I’m the most blessed woman in the world to be married to my man… but without Jesus there is no way I can love and serve Mark the way he needs and deserves. Which is why it is 11:24pm and I have no business being up b/c my day starts way too early to be up this late!

I don’t know why but I just couldn’t rest until I put this out there. I don’t want to be a poser. We are surviving and thriving #1 because of Jesus. I gotta have Him. I’m a hot mess without Him. When I tread out on that water on my own, I just don’t do well.  For whatever reason He keeps me in this place where I am painfully aware that I don’t have the wisdom, grace, patience or ability without Him to live this life.

#2, He has surrounded us with amazing support and love through our family, friends, church and community. We are beyond blessed and they truly keep us moving and surviving with the way they (y’all) love on us and help us. I couldn’t do it without my face to face friends and online friends that encourage us and pray for us.  It takes a village people, for real!

People have asked me recently if I’m overwhelmed thinking of Suubi’s surgery and planning for the next few months. I am, but honestly not much more overwhelmed than normal. I guess because so much of my life is way beyond my control. I am slowly learning to live with an open hand and eyes focused up because I know that I can’t do this on my own. I am going to mess up and come up short but I’m realizing more and more that is what grace is all about. I’ve tried for so long to not need grace. That honestly now sounds hilarious!

Every time we get to a new feeling of balance I realize that He is about to walk us into the next wave of deeper waters where we will simply need Him more!! And that is okay!! So next time you see me and I truly look like a hot mess, don’t feel sorry for me:) It’s okay, I am!

Starting again....

So here we go again. During our adoption process I was fairly faithful to blog, partly because I wanted to document all the Lord did during that long season:) and also because so many friends and family were following along and in the trenches with us. While in Uganda I moved to using a private facebook page in order to keep things, well, more private. The process in country can be a bit sticky at times and it is wise to not have your info pasted all over the internet.

During our three year journey to Suubi I spent hours and hours and hours reading blogs of families that adopted. I was so thankful they let us in to their lives to learn and rejoice with them and at times grieve with them.  I learned SO much that was invaluable in preparing me for the hard and the uncertainty.  I learned things like what to expect at the guest house in Uganda, but then also important information about culture and how children that have been in institutional care process change.

When we learned that Suubi was blind and quite obviously had developmental delays, to what extent we were uncertain....this momma once again searched for every blog I could find that might give me some insight into what our future might look like. I just wanted to feel as informed as possible and to see some of what other families experienced. While nothing can truly prepare you for your own journey, these blogs really did help me and actually connecting with some of these families online and even later in person has been a tremendous blessing!

Once we arrived home we faced a whole new world. We didn't truly expect a diagnosis of cerebral palsy for our sweet girl but after loving on her for a few weeks it was not surprising. I had not prepared for that or researched it! All of a sudden I wanted to find a blog written by a family with an internationally adopted with with cp and vision impairment. I still haven't found that:)

We have to walk out our own journey and in His own amazing way the loving Creator of me and our girl, has placed people in our path at each juncture to help us navigate wisely. However, I can't shake the feeling that sharing some of these adventures and challenges might someday help another momma find her way a bit more easily.

So here we go....

I can't promise I will be faithful to blog often, although I'll try! I'm going to share the good, the bad and the ugly. I realize that I needed a clear picture of what was ahead. I do promise though that I will always shout...

HOPE

because that is the Truth. There is always hope...that is what I hang onto...what keeps me going....what allows me to face each day.  He fills us with hope for our kids, for our future, for their future and the ability to trust His plan for our family.

The mountain that is currently ahead of us is surgery. We knew Suubi would need hip surgery but we were on a waiting list and we thought we might get a date in the late spring. We recently found out that Suubi will be having reconstructive surgery on both hips at Greenville Shriners Hospital on October 6th. We have never faced surgery with our kids before. This is a new kind of cliff jump for me.

We will have to go for preop for two days the week before then have the weekend at home and then Mark and I will take her to Greenville for at least Mon-Thur. She will most likely have a spica cast, which will most likely look like some variation of this, for anywhere from 4-12 weeks.

We are definitely hoping and praying that it will be more like 6-8 weeks. Life will be hard interesting between now and the New Year:) Thankfully Suubi is on the medically complex child waiver and Medicaid enables us to have an aid for her. They will increase the hours we have the aid during this time and we are in the midst of lining up trustworthy caregivers to help with her care while I am at work in the mornings and then to help some in the afternoons when I need to run the boys here and there.

Our wonderful family in Florence will take good care of the boys while we are with Suubi in Greenville and then we will need to rely more on them and on our amazing friends that make up Team Suubi while she recovers.  There are lots of details to work out like renting a different wheelchair during this time and possibly figuring out adaptations to her bed.  We need to figure out homebound for her while she is out of school and adjusting therapies, as long as seeking out what kind of in-home services she can receive while she is recovering.

We are talking to a nutritionist at the Health Department to see about getting help with high calorie pediasure during this time since her appetite may decrease and after working so hard to gain some weight we don't want her to drop a lot of weight.  There are just lots of things I have never thought of, but I am learning a lot! 

So a new adventure, a new mountain to climb. However, we have had so much joy over the last three weeks watching Suubi discover that she can roll and actually make herself go places. She doesn't like sitting still for long anymore because she realizes she can move! Without this surgery she most likely would not be able to bear her own weight as she grows. So for her to ever be able to walk she has to have this surgery and the sooner the better. We are so thankful that we have such a strong team of therapists that adore our girl and are willing to walk with us every step of the way.

Thanks for your prayers and if any momma new to this world stumbles upon this blog and wants to reach out and ask a question, please contact me! erikachapman74@gmail.com

Or is any momma that has already been through this has some sage advice, then please holler!!!

Sowing Roots

Dear friends and family,

We are so thankful that we are at the next major step in our adoption process.  We are matched with Suubi, a precious four and a half year old little girl in Uganda. She is blind with severe developmental delays, and has been in the orphanage for a year.  Mark and I are headed to Uganda at the end of June to obtain legal guardianship of Suubi and bring her home.  We will then finalize her adoption when we are back in the U.S.  We are excited and overwhelmed at the same time.  This trip will require Mark to be gone for two weeks and Erika for anywhere between five and eight weeks.  We know it will be difficult to be away from our boys and there will be many challenges.  We covet your prayers during this time.

As you can imagine this kind of travel will require quite a financial investment.  Erika has submitted many applications for adoption grants, in the hopes of receiving some financial assistance.  We received word this week from the orphan aid organization, Sowing Roots, that they are offering us a matching grant for up to $2500.  This means any donation we receive toward our adoption can be given through Sowing Roots, as a tax-deductible donation, and they will match up to $2500.  So, we have the potential to raise $5000.

It is very humbling to once again be in a place of asking y’all to consider giving.  So many of you have already sacrificially given, whether monetarily, donating to and helping with yard sales, buying necklaces, getting haircuts at our Hair-Cut-a-Thon fundraiser, personally raising support or praying for us.  So please know we are SO thankful and if you have already given in any form or fashion, we humbly say

THANK YOU!!

If you do seek the Lord and He impresses you to give in this way then

THANK YOU!!

You can mail your donation in the form of a check to:

Sowing Roots

5222 76th Ave. Ct. W.

University Place, WA 98467

Please put Chap2013 in the notes field so the donation will be applied to our adoption.

You will be mailed a receipt for your tax-deductible donation. They will be accepting donations for us through June 20th.  These funds will go toward paying for travel in Uganda, paying our guide, for Suubi’s medical exam, visas and lawyer fees.

You can follow our journey at www.everchangingchapmans.blogspot.com We also have a private facebook group that will have frequent updates. Just send us a message on fb asking to be added and we will do it!

Thank you for journeying with us!

Almost on our way,

Erika, Mark, McCall, Haig and Eli Chapman …..and soon, Suubi!

Almost on our way!!!

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

    but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. 

Proverbs 13:12

We are over the moon excited to announce that we have a court date and are finally traveling to Uganda to bring Suubi home!! Mark and I will fly out near the end of June and meet her.  Mark will stay in Uganda for about two weeks. During that time we will have a court date and hopefully receive a positive ruling.  We will also take Suubi for a medical exam and spend lots of time helping her transition and getting to know our sweet girl.

I will stay with Suubi in my care in Uganda for anywhere between 5-8 weeks.  So we are busy, busy, busy packing and preparing for our long trip away for home and for the boys long time away from us! We know it won't be easy but we are so thankful to know that the LORD has led us down this path and He has gone before us as well. 

We will share more as our journey continues.  We will also be sharing several fundraisers we are currently doing to raise the final funds for travel.  So stay tuned! Thank you for all your prayers, love and support!

Please pray specifically:

1 - all details of travel, immunizations and preparations will go smoothly and we will stay calm as we prepare!

2 - that some of the grants we have applied for will come through soon! in time to be used when traveling.

3 - the Lord will allow these next couple of weeks to be filled with sweet family time and not stress over preparations.

4 - that the boys will have a super time with friends and family while we are gone.

5 - that the Lord will continue to prepare Suubi for the major transitions she is about to experience!

A little update!

Just wanted to give an update as to where we are in our journey to Suubi.  Our dossier (which is kind of like ALL your info about your family, finances and background compiled into one big ole folder) arrived in Uganda beginning of this week and our lawyer has it. She is beginning the process of developing the case. That is great news! Hopefully within the next couple of weeks we will receive affidavits to sign and then she can file for our court date.  Again if she hits any bumps in the road it can take longer but prayerfully she will find all she needs relatively easily and develop a clear and complete file for Suubi.

Then we wait for a court date. That could take 3-6 weeks.  Once we have the court date we have to be ready to travel! We could get a date that gives us a week to prepare or our court date could be 6 weeks or more away from when we hear.  Lots of variables! If we don't receive a date before July 15th then we won't travel until late August or early Sept. even.

We have applied for 12 different grants, and may apply for others. We are so thankful there are organizations out there willing to serve adoptive families in this way. We have already heard back from 2 with a 'no'.:( However, we are trusting and waiting on Him to provide what we need to travel.  It is a huge amount. We really hope and pray we can take the boys with us for at least part of the time.  Spending 6-8 weeks in Uganda is going to be challenging but we would love for the boys to experience some of that time with us. Erika will spend the whole time in Uganda and Mark and the boys will return to the US after the first couple of weeks.

So we are praying for some grants to come through.  We are also going to have another yard sale in May, hopefully, yea! We are continuing to try and sell some items on line and by word of mouth. We have things like a very nice Medela breast pump, some specialty guitars, a piano, a violin, and Christmas china that we are interested in selling. If you know of anyone that might be interested in any of those items you can contact me at erikachapman74@gmail.com.  We are going to work on making a fb page with just those items listed soon so you can send folks there to look and consider purchasing.

We are also still selling our Uganda necklaces. We actually only have a few left at the moment! God has been so faithful at helping us earn funds and share our story through selling the necklaces.  We sent a care package to Suubi a couple of weeks ago through another family that is adopting from the same orphanage.  We made her a stuffed puppy from Build-A-Bear with a recording of each of us telling her we love her. It was a sweet time doing that. We also sent some toddler snacks and a blanket we chose with different textures on it.

The family actually went to the orphanage today to give it to her and love on her. We are so excited to hear how it went!  And so thankful for their willingness to carry it to her and be our hands and feet for a day:)

Ways you can be praying for us are:
- that our lawyer would have insight, favor and wisdom in completing Suubi's case clearly, completely and quickly!
- that we would find favor with grant organizations and fundraising would be successful and the Lord would provide JUST what we need to travel as a family of five and come back as a family of six
- that Suubi would remain healthy and well, that she would feel deep down that she is chosen, loved and secure and the Father would prepare her heart for family
- that we would receive a court date this summer and all details would fall into place
- that Erika would remain emotionally calm and not become a crazy lady as she tries to prepare but not become too anxious

I wish you could hear our boys pray for their little sister and tell people they meet that they have a little sister in Africa. God is so good at how He enlarges our hearts and prepares us for what we do not even imagine. He is truly an Ephesians 3:20 kinda God!

"With God’s power working in us, God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine." Ephesians 3:20

Lift it up...

The last five weeks have not been much fun, and even though we are in a sense on the other side...we are still processing a lot. I had the opportunity to share today with some of the ladies that prayed for me through this and it felt so good to share how God has been so good through it, that I wanted to try to share with all of you that read this blog and pray and love us through each step. So hopefully you can hear my heart and it will make sense.

It felt like I went from a happy, fun party and somehow fell into a big, dark hole. I didn't know the way out and I couldn't see anything and I was pretty sure I was alone.  I wasn't very happy with the Lord. I was pretty mad....and I knew that He knew how disappointed I was in Him. I was just so terribly disappointed.

In hindsight that sounds crazy...that I could feel disappointed in Him:)  Thankfully Jesus can handle my reactions and my wrestling. He didn't rescue me from my confusion. He did in His tenderness remind me that He had never left me, and yes, He did indeed lead me to that dark hole, even though He knew I wouldn't like it.

The Lord has a tendency to repeat Himself with me. Does He ever do that with you? So some of my dear friends that were praying for me sent me Scriptures that they were praying over me through my heartache, and Isaiah 45:3 kept being repeated.

I will give you hidden treasures,
    riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
    the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

They were asking Him to show me hidden treasures and reveal to me these riches stored in secret places. So in the midst of the pain I started to open my eyes and let my eyes become accustomed to this dark place I found myself in. I realized I could actually see a little bit...and I began to feel around. I would find pebbles or sharp rocks, I was sitting on or found next to me.  After holding them for awhile, feeling the weight of them and rubbing the dirt on them and thinking they were just ugly rocks that caused my skinned knees and cut elbows...I started to lift them up to the Lord and ask Him about them.  He slowly began opening these very things that caused me pain, and inside were beautiful jewels.  I was amazed!  Well, if he could reveal such beauty in that dirty, old rock...what could He do with all these other things I was finding in the darkness around me...and IN me.  I slowly began lifting up the things He allowed my hands to find. And each time I surrendered these pain-givers...He opened my eyes to see magnificent treasures and riches that were all around me, and even in me.

I had been screaming lots of big fat "WHYs" at Jesus.  He wasn't answering those cries.  I wanted to know WHY my circumstances were painful and scary and disappointing and not what I thought He promised.  Once I stopped screaming though and began yielding up everything I found and everything that was hurting me....He began faithfully, tenderly healing my hurts and answering my questions and my neediness with Him. He was the answer I was seeking. And somehow the more I needed Him, the more I was filled.  I was never too much for him. My needs were never too great for Him. It was amazing!

And then He began answering some of my tough questions with Who He is. He reminded me that when things didn't go the way I expected...I began to doubt His heart for me.  He could handle me wrestling with Him but He quickly began to remind me of His promises and that my circumstances don't always reflect His promises....but they aren't supposed to! My security lies in Who He is and who I am in Him....not how well things are going in my life.

I could go on and on sharing treasure He has etched on my heart over the past five weeks. I am so thankful. The journey wasn't fun but it was so worth it.  He is so faithful. His ways are higher than our ways. He will never leave me or forsake me. His mercies are new every morning. He does have plans to prosper us and not to harm us.  He is the God who sees me. He is my provider!

He has brought me back into the light and I do feel like I once again trust His heart and am in a new place of greater yieldedness.  And I don't ever want to go back.....to holding my heart back.  But as for that dark hole?  I will go back there...it isn't fun...but I know He is still with me there.  I want to remain in a place of being desperate for Him.  Because that is where I ended up after finally surrendering in that dark hole.  I realized I could trust Him and I needed Him more than anything else.  I want to live and obey in a way that makes me need Him to show up to just make it through the day.

So if you happen to be in that hole.  I feel it...it is hard and lonely. But just rest for a minute and let your eyes adjust.  And then whatever you feel...scoop it up in the palm of your hand and lift it up to His beautiful gaze...hold that palm open and ask Him to show you it for what it is....I promise He'll blow you away:)

I'm praying for you! I would love to hear from you if you are having a dark hole/cave experience.  Remember though, the hole isn't meant for forever, but there is treasure there!

Hope deferred...

Dear family and friends,

We love you...and are so thankful for your prayers and support over the last 29 months as we have traveled this windy and often confusing path of adoption.  The last 6 weeks have been very hard but also, because of God's grace and presence, they have been beautiful.  We don't understand why we were only given 5 days to love on Hope Amelia, but they were sweet and precious days.  We will pray for Hope and her momma, Ashley for the rest of our lives.  They are permanently imprinted on our hearts.

When we returned from Kentucky we decided that we wanted to give ourselves at least a month to grieve and process a bit before decided what "next" was going to look like. We weren't sure whether we should pursue another domestic referral or stay on the Uganda waiting list.  However, after being home for only two weeks our agency asked us if we would consider looking at the file of a little girl with some special needs at the babies home.  She is considered paper ready, which means at this point able to be adopted.  There was another family that met her while visiting Uganda on a mission trip and they were also inquiring to look at her file.  They had not even started their homestudy yet though, so their process would be lengthy.  

Initially we both said "no" because she is legally blind and we were not sure we felt like we could be what she needs.  She is 2 1/2 years old but is developmentally at a 4-6 month old level.  We decided to at least look at her file. Early on in our adoption process, I really believe the Lord gave me the name Hope to pray for our  little girl.  We named our domestic referral Hope, and as far as we know her momma decided to keep that name.  The babies home calls this little girl by a different name but when we opened her file we discovered that her name is actually Suubi.  Suubi means Hope in Lugandan.  We were floored by this....and decided to truly consider this as a possible referral.  So we decided to pray together and separately and limit our conversation about it, but rather pray and fast and seek the Lord.

So that is what we did.  We did not speak about it much between our selves or with others for about two weeks.  During that time in His gentle way the Lord confirmed and affirmed to both of us that we should accept the referral for Suubi.  We realize that there are no guarantees regarding her development.  We had our pediatrician look over the medical paperwork that we do have for her.  There is honestly not much other than bloodwork and some documentation of her physical appearance.

Her left side is immobile at this point.  She is reaching for things with her right hand and kicks with her right leg.  When she first came into care last May she would lay stiff as a board and was fairly unresponsive.  However, now, she laughs and sings to herself.  She responds to stimuli and favors certain caregivers.  She wil need extensive therapy for a long time.  We know this will change our family in many ways.  However, we feel the Lord said, yes, and so we say yes.  We are excited to see what all He can and do in her and in us.  We, honestly, are apprehensive and in many ways scared....but sometimes you just have to obey....scared!

Our God always comes through, is always faithful and we know we can trust His heart for us and for Suubi.  We have been praying for this little girl, in reality almost her entire life.  We don't know when we will travel yet.  We hope to receive a court date before July 15th.  The courts in Uganda close between July 15th and August 15th.  They are working on her case and we hope our dossier will be sent to the lawyer within the next three weeks.  We then sign affidavits and our lawyer will file for a court date.  Then we wait!

We accepted her referral about nine days ago.  We didn't share with many people yet for a few reasons.  We wanted family to be able to digest it first and ask questions.  And since it is still likely a long wait we didn't want to rush things.  We love y'all and please pray for us as we prepare our hearts, our home and for travel.  Also as we wait...that we wait with hope and peace, not anxiety.  Things are also honestly still a bit raw.  Our hearts are still healing...I feel like what I imagine couples experience after they have suffered a miscarriage, and then become pregnant again but don't want to announce their pregnancy until at least the second trimester.  We are still processing and wrapping our hearts and minds around all that has happened and is happening. 

So we are excited and so thankful. Please feel free to ask questions. We may not have the answers but we will try!

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

To Him be all praise and glory!